by Peter Griffith
Dottie and Charles are cousins – and they hate each other.
When Charles comes to spend a day at Dottie's house, one disaster leads to another until everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong.
Is a happy ending possible?
Photos of 'My Cousin Charles'
Season 22/23
Season 19/20
Extract from the script 'My Cousin Charles'
| Dottie: | What do you want to play? |
| Charles: | I don’t know. What have you got? |
| Dottie: | Do you like playing football? |
| Charles: | Yes. I’m very good at football. |
| Dottie: | Well, we can play football. |
| Charles: | My parents bought me a football with David Beckham’s signature on it. |
| Dottie: | Oh. Well my football is just a cheap old football. But we can still play with it. |
| Charles: | You can go in goal. I’ll shoot. |
| Dottie: | All right. But we must keep away from this side here, because our neighbour isn’t very friendly. |
| Charles: | Are you ready? |
| Dottie: | Yes. (Charles takes the ball and performs a sequence of impressive manoeuvres) Are you going to shoot, then? |
| Charles: | When I’m ready. |
| Dottie: | Well come on, then. |
| Charles: | When I’m ready. (Charles kicks elegantly, and Dottie easily catches the ball) |
| Dottie: | Saved! Now it’s my turn to shoot. |
| Charles: | No. I’m the striker. I’m Wayne Rooney. |
| Dottie: | What? |
| Charles: | I’m the striker - I score the goals. Give me the ball. |
| Dottie: | So I have to spend the whole time in goal? |
| Charles: | Of course. |
| Dottie: | Oh. Right. Here’s the ball then. (Charles once again goes into a sequence of balletic ball-technique exercises) Well aren’t you going to shoot? |
| Charles: | We can’t play here. The sun is in my eyes. We must put the goal over there. |
| Dottie: | We can’t put the goal there. That’s where Mr Swother lives. |
| Charles: | Who is Mr Swother? |
| Dottie: | Mr Swother is our neighbour. He doesn’t like children. And especially, he doesn’t like children who play football. |
| Charles: | When I kick a football, I know exactly where it goes. I won’t kick the ball over your neighbour’s fence. |
| Dottie: | Well, if the ball lands in his garden, you go and get it back - OK? |
| Charles: | It won’t land in his garden. |
| Dottie: | Well come on - shoot then. |
| Charles: | Don’t be impatient. You’re putting me off. (Charles kicks the ball through Mr Swother's window) |
| Dottie: | Oh no! Now look what you’ve done. |
| Charles: | It isn’t my fault. You didn’t save it. You didn’t catch the ball. |
| Dottie: | But it was nowhere near the goal. |